Eroticism.

This is from an email I just sent:

From: Chuck Staton
To: Abe, Arcello, B Lau, Brad Roar!, Jordan, Lou E, Patrick, Sousa, Teej, Bagley, Jenn Watts, Nic, Sierra

I don't remember if I sent this out when we did it, but I re-read it tonight and laughed out loud a few times at the wordplay, so I thought I'd send it again:
Me, B Lau, Alyssa and Teej often frequent Ruby Tuesday's where Tom's ex-girlfriend Katie works as a waitress. She's very sweet but she's twice as gullible. B Lau and I mentioned to her that B Lau was writing erotic fiction (which was obviously not true), including a story about her - and she believed it. So the next time we came in, we of course came with this little tale we put together about Tom and her trying to have sex (which really happened) and Tom proving that he sometimes lacked the ability to become aroused even as a teenager (which also really happened) - imagine what he's like in bed now!
Anyway, we put this together and I think that it's so odd and funny. I probably sent it to you back when we did it, but who cares, give it a second read. I love it. This is true B Lau/Staton humor.

Chapter 6
After Hours/A Midnight Snack

Katie was a hard-worker - not too slow, and not too fast for the customers to feel like they were being ignored. Waitressing was a way to make ends meet but, coupled with her biology class, was beginning to become overwhelming. However, Katie was quite capable of handling large loads.
At seventeen, Katie had a figure that all her friends envied, and the boys certainly noticed. But she turned her nose up at them all - besides one boy in particular, whom she had met while volunteering at the soup kitchen.
Tom Wells - the first string quarterback, and the pride and joy of Mt. Hope High School. "This guy's going places - and fast!" thought Katie, as he whizzed by her in his conversion van on the first day of school.
Now - seven months later - as the chill of winter gave way to an unexpectedly warm March, Katie knew firsthand how fast Tom liked to go, and their newfound love was blooming like so many daffy-dills (as Katie called them).
But as love blooms, so do men push. Push for the physical act of love - as Katie knew all too well. Tom was already an extremely aggressive individual, asserting his presence to every man, woman, and crippled invalid who looked at Katie's developing breasts and infectious hindquarters. But when it came to Katie's undergarments, Tom was like a magician. He was always trying to make them disappear.
Katie wasn't sure if Tom was the right guy for her - sure, he had rippling biceps and washboard abs, he had dollar bills coming out of every pocket, and his golden hair glimmered luminously in the moonlight - so much so that she often wondered if it would all disappear one day.
Nevertheless, she was living in the here and now, and had to make an important choice. As she re-filled the sugars, and moved each table out to sweep, she couldn't stop her mind from spelunking in the caves of sexual exploration. And this was one girl who wouldn't forger her flashlight.
"Will things change? Will he prove himself to have love-making skills on par with his debating prowess, as all the girls in school had rumored?" she quickly shook these thoughts away, ignoring her primal impulses and her tingly nether-regions, as the man himself walked through the vestibule, and entered the often-sexualized Swansea Mall.
Through Ruby Tuesday's archways he did enter, and what a man he was. His face smiled with the warmth of a thousand suns, despite his blackened and gap-toothed grin. His cross-eyed stare shone two beady lasers on her hot skin. His hulking, masculine frame heaved with anticipation, as he lumbered towards her, not unlike an injured moose.
"Hello Katie, I've been expecting you," he sighed
"What do you mean? I've been at work and you came here to see me?" Katie replied.
Tom was clearly shaken, but otherwise remained confident.
"Tonight is the night. I want what you got!" Tom clamored sheepishly.
Katie had never heard such beautiful poetry from her muscle-bound Romeo. Her manager's eyes filled with tears, as he understood what beauty was about to unfurl, and left the building, leaving rose petals in his wake.
"I've been thinking about you for my entire shift" Katie said, removing her apron, tentatively.
"Awww yeeea," Tom squeaked out, as he pumped his fist in the air, nearly demolishing section seven.
Katie shook her behind to and fro and she bent over to remove her shoes. She knew that Tom enjoyed the "show" she was putting on for him. She looked over her shoulder, and was about to ask him if he was ready to take the step that she was, but she noticed he was breathing heavy - either because he was aroused, or because of the short amount of steps from the parking lot into the restaurant - either way, she liked it.
Without any further prodding, Tom removed the burlap sack that served as his pants, revealing his throbbing member. At least two inches long, and nearly half as thick, Tom roared with approval at his own genitalia. Katie had never seen such an impressive display of manhood, as she had never even previously thought of taking part in any sort of sexual pleasure - but tonight was different. Tom Wells was ready for love.
Katie shed her entire outfit, as if she was a love-hungry serpent. She slithered her naked, and for some reason, glistening body over to Tom, hissing and generally disturbing him greatly. But Tom overlooked his discomfort, and they met in a warm embrace. Katie kissed passionately, Tom, reluctantly. He was uncomfortable about his first time - but he wondered if he felt too uncomfortable.
Katie threw her large breasts back over her shoulder, and Tom laid down a newspaper blanket on their favorite table. Katie laid back, completely comfortable knowing her future groom would soon enter her for the first time. She spread her creamy sun-deprived legs, expectantly.
Tom swallowed hard. For he, too, was but a simple virgin. Tales of his sexual prowess had been greatly exaggerated, and came about mostly from peer pressure, when he boasted to his football friends about which "women" he had "made whoopie " with (which would explain the mispronunciation of the words "labia" and "nipple" on Tom's part).
Tom whispered softly to her "My prick is ready for ya shit," and Katie nearly cried. She never could have imagined her first time would be so beautiful. Tom kissed and she could barely make out him saying, "Don't talk to me while I invade your Normandy," as she held him close.
Tom held his tiny warrior between his index finger and thumb (though it slipped away from his grip, repeatedly) and began his descent to enter the realms of manhood.
After brushing the brambles of her pubic hair to either side of her crotch (a laborious effort), Tom pushed his beautiful penis into her.
But alas - something stopped the entry.
Tom looked at Katie's vagina - slippery and gaping - no problem there.
When Tom's eyes reached his love-gun, he saw he had misfired - his penis was as firm as a melty ice cream cone.
The truth hung flaccidly in the air between them both - Katie was not what Tom was looking for.
Tom thought to himself, "I should have known," as he continually went over in his head the astoundingly high number of men he'd serviced orally in the past month - "I'm gay."
Katie sighed deeply, understanding the truth.
Tom withered away into the night, his hair falling out, his gut hanging out of his shirt, his pockets now devoid of dollars.
Katie waited there, wondering aloud, "If only there was someone who would deflower me in this public restaurant."
And in a vermillion flash - there stood B Lau. He moved only his lips, and looked into her eyes, as he silently screamed, "Skeet skeet skeet, muthafucka!"

....to be continued